Tuesday, December 30, 2008

love


Hmmm, I just looked back at that post and laughed a little. It wasn't meant to be some 'OMG' kind of thing for anyone...but for me it was.

See, I kind of fell head-over-heels for a guy I worked with when I was about 16. He was 36 year's old. Big mistake right from the start.

Nothing happened between us...I mean really, what could or would have happened? The lad was nearly 40 and I had only just entered my teens. What - could he have taken me out for ice-cream? Or could I have waited outside while he threw back a few schooners with the boys?

And, you'd think this whole 'idea' that men just want young women would in turn work in my favour...well, thankfully it didn't. I say thankfully because looking back at my 16 year old self, I know I was no-where near ready for a relationship/commitment or anything else that didn't involve crime novels (here's to you Cornwell for filling my tender mind with crime... I'll love you forever more).



Now I'm a 22 year-old woman. Oh God...I'm not a girl I'm a WOMAN. Even saying that sounds so 'official' and even a little frightening. And for the last 5 years I've measured every single man I've met up to this guy I fell for. No-one measured up to him. And you know why? Because I had invented what I thought he was like. I didn't know him that well - I just worked with him, saw him every day etc. But in my mind I thought up ways he would behave, things he would say, his likes/dislikes etc. I built my own perfect man with him as my template.


He has a girlfriend now - I'm not sure about that other 4 year gap, I heard he was a bit of a Lothario and has women come in and out of his life so I assumed he would have had someone...just not 'the one'. That said I don't think this girl is the one, who knows, maybe she is. Point being, anything I felt for him has disappeared. I'd like to think it's maturity. I'd like to believe I've grown up, I've changed my mind...and the person I am now, doesn't need to same person I needed at 16.

So there it is. One sleep to go until 2009 come rolling on in and I've discarded an old-love that I had let cling onto me for years and years.
Truth be told, there is some part of me that will still hold a special memory of him (or the 'him' I created), primarily because it represents the most perfect unrecognised love.

Happy Pre-New Year :)

xxx

2 comments:

Katie @ Très Lola said...

What a lovely way to end the year... right? 2009 you can reclaim your heart, fall for yourself.

Natasha said...

That's how I'm looking at it :)
I feel like 2009 is the year to get rid of old baggage really try to start anew...